So This is What It’s Like to Be on Top

I’m a co-author on a paper that just got listed in a journal, a pretty good one. I’m not first author so this doesn’t count as bragging, but apparently co-author is good enough as ‘expert’ for some people:

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Note the partial but not thorough blurring of emails. I decided I didn’t really care about anonymity. I did, however, care enough to respond.

February 28, 2014

Dearest Lily Green,

I am writing in sincere appreciation for the recent invitation to submit manuscripts to your esteemed journal. I only submit to journals with the highest editorial standards, so I am relieved that you only publish articles receiving a peer review score of 2.5/5 or higher. I am also impressed by Applied Physics Research’s commitment, as your website so eloquently states, to “Zero Tolerance on the Plagiarism.”

It is especially comforting to know that you will only publish articles from authors who are willing to pay a $300 USD fee. This is a brilliant idea and separates high-quality scholars, who are willing to vouch for the quality of their work by paying for it, from the average schmuck who wants to be published but isn’t willing to do what it takes to get there.

Furthermore, I rejoice at the timing of your letter, as I feel like a meaningful and profitable opportunity is in store for both of us. I am in possession of a number of share certificates of the MILLENIUM DIAMON D MINE BANK of BENIN Africa in the capital city of cotonou de Benin republic. Each of these share certificates will mature on 15 APRIL 2014 and, due to the fortunate leadership of the Benin diamond mines, will be worth $250000.00 each on the date of maturity. Regrettably, the share certificates are only redeemable upon my signing the final contracts within the boundaries of Benin, and I must have a sponsor from Canada, due to some recent unfortunate regulations passed in that country. I am thus in need of funds and a sponsor to travel to the MILLENIUM DIAMON D MINE BANK and redeem the shares. This is why I find the timing of your letter so fortunate.

This is simple, I will like you to respond immediately with your full names and address so that we will prepare the necessary documents and affidavits. A bank account in any part of the world that you will provide will then facilitate the transfer of one of the stock certificates to you or your beneficiary/next of kin. I will need $50000.00 USD to travel to Benin and sign the necessary papers, and when they are signed the remainder of the stock certificate, minus the $300 publication fee, will be available for deposit into your account.

Please send me your confidential telephone and fax numbers for easy communication. You should observe utmost confidentiality, and be rest assured that this transaction would be most profitable for both of us because I shall require your assistance to invest my share in your country, as well as to publish my recent and groundbreaking research on tripolar coordinates in your prestigious journal.

Thanks and Regards,

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